A little less than a year ago I began a journey unlike any I had experienced before. See, I've spent my whole life trying to figure out how to keep it together. I didn't realize that's what I was doing at the time. I simply knew I had to keep pushing forward. I was afraid if I ever stopped I wouldn't be able to start again. I had expectations to fulfill, people to please, and I was needed. That was my thinking. Then, the most beautiful thing happened. I fell apart.
The first time I remember this happening, was the first time I had ever felt safe. I didn't even realize that until someone else pointed it out to me. It was like I suddenly didn't know how to operate anymore. I spent days and weeks going through projects and trying to figure out how to fit my pieces back together. I made a way to understand. For a while it seemed to be working. I was functional again, had a little more understanding of what was going on, and had a plan in place. I was ready to face the world again.
I did, too, for a short time. I was better off than I'd been before. I had a better understanding of what was going on mentally. I was going full steam ahead - right into a brick wall. My initial undoing was nothing compared to the mountains and storms I faced the second time around. I knew HOW to function and still couldn't find it in me to actually function. I ended up at the doctor, in therapy, and with a physical therapist. This time the undoing marked the start of a do over. See, when we hit rock bottom we find out what the stone is made of. We turn back to the original source of power - God.
I went from a lukewarm Christian to all-in with Jesus. I dove into Bible studies, I watched sermons, I pulled away from anyone and everything that pulled me away from Him, I devoted every waking moment I could to being in His presence in any way I could. I prayed like I hadn't before. This isn't a boast. I learned how to surrender. For someone like me, this was not easy. I learned how to peel back every defense, at times in excruciating pain or fear, and truly surrender. I learned how to let Him in when I've spent a lifetime learning how to shut things out.
In learning to surrender I have learned the true grace of God. People always have a way of letting us down in our weakest moments. It's why we begin to have issues with being vulnerable. Learning to let go when it's to let God? The most valuable lesson I've ever learned. Truth be had, I'm still learning, which is what's led to this post. There were always a few verses that stuck with me and I couldn't figure out why. In full transparency - some of them were outright offensive in a way. Why would a good and gracious God be there to comfort us in our hardest moments rather than fixing it? How are the poor in spirit blessed?
Some of those nights I would literally sit in my car and scream songs because I had no other way of getting the emotions out. I was trying so hard and it all seemed to be getting worse. I would yell at Him in my head, going between anger and despair. I would ugly cry and go through it all again. I remember one night, I even asked, "isn't this what you want? I'm at the end of my rope." Always in reference to a Psalm about Him being close to the broken-hearted or the sermon from Matthew, etc. What I meant was I felt like I was losing hope, and I didn't know how to trust. My faith in Him wasn't what was wavering, it was my hope in my ability to handle things. It was faith that He would care about me. I was closing off again.
I'm not a person who likes to cry, because once I start it is very hard to pull it back together. I've got things to do and it's always been hard to open up in that degree. When I couldn't control it anymore, it became a whole storm. Once things have run their course I'm left drained emotionally, and sometimes physically. Mentally depends on what was running through my mind. I will say, any time I've cried out to God, I have left the experience feeling a weight lifted. Job is a testament to God being able to handle all of our emotions. He had such patience with Job. Even when He did respond, it wasn't to put Job down, but to remind him of who He is. His love is different.
Let's talk about how our eyes work, though, because at this point I've studied it and put together a little diagram in my journal. I wanted to understand His creation a little better. I was delighted to learn our tears come from what looks like trees. I'm also reminded again of how a river flowed from Eden and split into four. Our eyelashes like reeds or cattails. The ways we're creating emotional tears being based on which tree we're choosing internally.
That's a lot, right? There's more. Our lacrimal gland will listen to three types of energy from our body: sensory input, parasympathetic nervous system, and our sympathetic nervous system. Sound familiar? If you haven't watched the sermon on Genesis and the human body (Two Trees) see it - here. I find it fascinating how so many different parts of our body are relatable.
So, here I am, a person who hasn't often allowed herself to cry in front of others suddenly crying out to God in my darkest moments. I'm the kind of person that has to be directing her thoughts towards something to be able to process. Whenever I get too comfortable and start thinking I'm alright, I seem to walk straight into warfare. Whenever I'm left to my own mental it's like a tsunami. Wave after wave, crashing in because I couldn't contain it anymore. Then I would find myself questioning again all the things I had before. Suddenly it wasn't about holding it together. It was a gentle undoing of processes I didn't even realize were in place. It was a changing of the mind, which led to a change of heart.
Through time, I started seeing the ways God was showing up. He's a God of seeds, which means it's in the details. Being in conversation with Him, and listening to the better way of handling things, changed the way I viewed things. I started being grateful to see certain things about myself, even if they were painful. I started moving forward one day at a time and doing the best I could with what I had. I started leaning into God more. Those tears changed from a "why me" to a "this is hard for me, however, I know You can." Things developed from a bottomless pit to a solid foundation. I'm still growing day by day.
Recently, I heard a saying: Pray until you hear God, not until you think He's heard you. If you think about it; in those moments we can't be calmed is when we're the most open to receive. So it isn't that He wants to see us heartbroken. It's that He knows how we feel and He knows because of what we've done. It's that He will still show up when we truly ask Him to. We run out so we stop running. When we're open. When we're raw. When we're able to sit through the ugly parts knowing He's got us. Peter didn't quit reaching until Jesus had a firm grasp on Him, and even then he held on tighter.
That's when it changed for me. When I started to appreciate the moments I knew I would be emotional. I get this picture in my head of standing in this garden with Him, and He's just holding me while I cry. I don't fall down. I never have to worry about having to haul myself back up.
It's comforting to know His comfort. It isn't a giving way, it's a giving into.
It's not a falling out of grace, but of stepping into the only arms that will always catch you. A source of comfort, of peace, of power. It's not in the routines or the community or the relationships with others. It's in the still moments when you allow it all to feel as heavy as it is, and you let Him in. You realize He's around you. It's in the sigh after a long cry. It's feeling Him take the burden instead of feeling defeated. It's those small moments that turn into peace instead of torture.
It's in a relationship you develop with Him as you go. It's learning that He can be there in every moment. It's learning to trust that He's going to help you. It's looking around, understanding behind, and dreaming of a future. It's finally understanding that you've chosen to worship the One who will be there without fail. It's learning that love isn't about when we want something, it's a trust in His timing. Love is built through experience and He never fails. It's an outpouring. What do we pour out most? Tears. Of gratitude, of relief, of pain, of anger, of joy, Knowing, deep within, that no matter how things look or feel, you can trust in Him.
He finds us where we are. Usually that's in a place of routine where we allow our walls to come down because we think nobody sees. It's in the car on the way home or the moment you shut the washer and just stand there a moment. It's in the way you take a deep breath before you walk into a room. Or, when you step behind closed doors and let your shoulders fall. Those moments we're afraid the weight of it all might buckle our knees. He doesn't want us to stay there.
Half of falling in love is learning the other persons love language. Wrap up in His Word. Open your heart to Him. Allow your emotions to flow out to Him and feel the transformation. God is in the details. Contact (reading, church, etc), quality time ("be still"), an open heart (which means to give AND receive). This is how God shows His love. It's slow and steady, sometimes flashy, and more often in the simple things. A moment of joy, a moment of peace, a moment of rest.
We find Him when it's all become too much to bear because that means we've left Him somewhere. The storms come because we're human and sometimes we're awful and sometimes others are. It's a lot to navigate. We feel like we can't go on and we've lost all hope. He knows. He sees. Can He trust you? Will you call on Him when it's getting deep? Are you calling out to a spirit or the Lord? He'll catch you. In those quiet moments, after the storm has passed through, that's when I feel Him most. It's where I'm most open. Every time I reach, He is there.
We have tears that flow constantly, keeping our eyes clear and protected. We pray for eyes to see more. We have tears that act as a response to things which irritate us. Things our body rejects, allergens, etc. We pray for health and a hedge of protection. We have tears activated by energy from our emotions. We have two nervous systems that will activate these tears, each one activated by different thoughts. Imagine the different kinds of tears and each of them having special ingredients to meet our needs. Each tear a seed. A system of washing. A system of healing. A system of expressing.
The drainage system for these tears is shaped like a heart. Coincidence? I don't believe so. He is in every part of us. So, as we cry, it isn't that He wants us broken-hearted. It's that He rejoices when we've finally gotten to a point of opening up and letting Him in. That's when the magic truly begins. What we reach for when we're lost really matters. Are we crying for healing or for the hurting? Do you want to be healed? Are we crying for the stressing or the waiting of the blessing? Do you trust Him? Are we crying for what we've lost or crying out for comfort? Where do you turn? What are you watering your heart with?
We're going into this new year and everyone gets excited to set New Year resolutions. I don't want a new resolution. I've rode a river of tears into the arms and heart of Jesus. He is the solution. I want restoration, redemption, renewal. This year I'm changing my mindset. I don't want to set a goal aimed at this world, or something to achieve in my faith works. I want to focus on repentance. A true changing of the mind. It gets messy. It gets hard. Sometimes it hurts. We fall short. God steps in.
I once believed we had a mean God that wanted to see us suffer. I now see the beauty in His constant presence and the peace that affords me. When we're at our most vulnerable is usually when we drown in the voices in our head or we stop and focus on that small good one. If we let Holy Spirit lead us, and we explore that little thing that keeps coming up? We often find a place of resistance or hope. If you're focused on what you think you should be, instead of what He's calling you, the progress is slower and harder.
From there we can lean in and truly learn what He would have us know. It's no longer about the struggle and every bit about listening to the One we trust. As we dive more into Him we realize there's been a shift. That shift will lead to us handling things differently. So, life on the outside may not change much at first, but inside there's something new growing. Then we begin to see the differences outside because our actions change. The more we reach out to Him, the more we see His presence in our lives. I don't see those moments as weakness anymore. They're the love of God, spilling over. If it isn't good - He isn't done.
I'm grateful for the God we have. The one who has been present for every tear. The one who is always there. The one who provides just what I need, when I need it. The one that's teaching me the slow path. If we can learn to get comfy in the waiting, it takes our focus away from the circumstances and more on His glory. We don't get comfy in the circumstances, we trust fall into His embrace. We trust Him enough to do it His way.
We take steps that honor Him and we believe in His ability to show up. Because He always has - there's a record. We can even make our own records. We fall down, He picks us back up, we dust off and go forward. Before we know it we're out of the mess and incredibly blessed. It might feel like forever through it, but we'll forget the pain on the other side. We almost always understand why we had to grow through it once He uses it, or even as soon as we're through it. He takes us from glory to glory, but we still gotta get through the valley to get there. That's where we need Him most.
Names of God to fall into
El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty)
El Elyon (The Most High God)
Adonai (Lord, Master)
Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah)
Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner)
Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd)
Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals)
Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There)
Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness)
Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You)
El Olam (The Everlasting God)
Elohim (God)
Qanna (Jealous)
Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)
Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace)
Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts)
We don't always like what we're going through. Yet it's undeniable the difference it makes in our lives when we can sit through the emotions and still praise God, still reach out to Him, still turn to Him. Run, walk, crawl - keep going. Find the facet of God you need most right now and dig in the Word. That's what leads us to falling in love with God. His love is different. It's everlasting. It's more than could ever be understood. It's felt, deep in our core. The breaking means there comes a break-through. The break-through means a process of growth. Let Him lead you. Trust He won't let you fall anywhere you won't overcome by His grace.
When we don't feel alone anymore. It's a whole knew level of, "I've got this." When we know we're leaning against a support that won't give out. When we realize someone can see our weakest moments and love us into a new way. A different kind of love. He will pick us up, but He'd much rather we lean in before the fall. We cry out and He does hear. He has our best interests first, then our comfort. He starts working on it right away, whether it's a change in circumstance or our own perception. Those tears will wash away the residue of all the circumstances in the world. You focus on what you're watering. He'll wipe your face and give you exactly what you need. Just wait, you'll see.